The light

Long spans of land, brown and barren

Set free by the rising sun

Cold cracked earth warmed

Horizon specked by slight illumination

To raise my eyes to see the rising

To cast sight away from the decrepit, the dull, the sodden

To see the light upon the ground

Where once rang sounds of wartime gunshots

Now reverberating in sounds of mindfulness bells

Quiet and still

Powerful as stormy ocean swells

All eyes fall down in silent prayer

The ground remembers and subtly reminds us the war was fought there

Silently she speaks through her energy

We hear, we listen

Upon the skies her sun will rise

It glistens, unchanging

Day after day

To this we pay

We offer gratitude for light and acknowledgement of dark

Those who live true, speak out, shut down

The soldiers fighting for freedom and honor

Shut down, knocked down, held silent by hatred

The open, they spread their wings

Clipped by the closed and narrow

The message, not to hide from the assailant but to only soar still

To glide higher

To resemble to hawk, the sparrow, the light

Take solace in your flight, your song, your illumination

and rejoice in your voice

It is you who needs to speak, to love, to let the light out from above

It is you who keeps the rising, catches the falling embers of hatred and douses them with holy water

Polishing the coal into diamonds that shine

Perpetual motion through time

The holy dying

The holy hit by stones of the loney

Lift them up, lift up the hurt and tortured ones who lie among the weeds where they grow

In the cold barren lands

Wash your hands

Clean your heart

You- merely yet greatly a part of the whole

Keep it beating with its meaning

Love, love, love, love love 

Stay true to the rising sun

Elevate with the light, take flight, take flight

A little love for breakfast

She turns her bright blues up to mine

Darker, brown rimmed in circles from no sleep

Shimmering at the contact with her sweet soul

And she hesitates

She closes her gates

Her spirit on the brink of lion and lamb

Akin to her I am

I sense her wanting for more

The morning lights angles through the open door

The invitation cut open

Waiting untouched in my hand

She is asking

Yet unsure

I want to give her more

I want to quell her burning flame

Bringing my arms into a tight embrace of her small frame

Why I ask would my daughter pause to hug her mamma

Is it the fear I hold that she will come undone?

Has trepidation won?

She, A challenge from the start

Capturing yet wringing my heart

Screams through the night, unexplained fright

Sensitivity to all

My downfall

Imagining a light between us and hearts open I send her all my love

Silently, soulfully, right there on the cold kitchen floor at dawn

I snuggle my face into her soft robe, feeling warm

Praying that love really will heal all.

Praying as the leaves fall

Outside my window in the rain

Please heal her pain

Please heal her pain

Round of applause for the night shift

My daughter felt sick yesterday. Her body emanated a vortex of heat when she climbed into my bed in the middle of the night. The feeling of dreaming when you are awake only comes from sleep deprivation. The notion to move my body a distant hot air balloon cruising through a blue sky. My arms lay still as a rock. Her fever was not high enough to cause panic but high enough to keep her home from school. 
I 

Early morning scramble to alert family I nanny for that I would be sadly unable to attend to their lovely daughter for the day; quick text to my mom to see if the off chance of her sitting for me was an option, it wasn't. The folgers in my cup tasty but not enough to wake me up. The haze of one child in my bed and one infants regular wakings the night before in my eyes. 

I still needed to prepare my oldest for her school day. I set my phone for a quick 5 minute meditation, when coffee doesn't work, the best way to start the day fresh. I was partially revived. Able to enjoy some quality time with my Sweet Enma before sending her off. The two little ones in deep sleep, making up for the time they were awake through the night. A mom wakes up each time someone in the family does. 

Each person has their small allotment of waking time, not enough to effect their day, mentality or mood. 
But not mom, mom stays up til the last one falls asleep, wakes again with each baby's cry. She rocks and nurses while others lay peacefully in slumber. She shooshes and slips quietly out the door of the nursery, cursing the creeping floorboards. She wakes again if the older child has an accident. Tears streak down her angelic embarrassed face falling upon her golden brown curls, mom sums up all posdible compassion as her dreams abruptly slam their door, bright hall lights attack her tired eyes. She changes sheets, wipes bottoms. Awake again at dawn to the early riser. 
My child has more energy at 6am them most have by noon, full of vigor, cranky from her nightly fast, her body turning quite monstrous at the first signs of low blood sugar, too much sugar, too much gluten, stimulation, not enough activity and more. A highly sensitive child who has a trace of diagnosed sensory processing disorder. You cannot just be awake for this child, you need to be alert, calm and focused.

Every mom is a nocturnal angel and a daytime saint when the sun rises. She is this lofty just because. Not because she is actually a model of heavenly perfection. But more because she is not at all perfect, can be angry, anxious, mistake filled and tired but she does it all anyway. When the storm rolls in she is the ship, the anchor and the sails. 

I think of this role I fill. I think of myself, the me who came before all this responsibility. I miss her free spirit so I'm taking it back. Just like that, because I 
need to and we all deserve it. I think, 'heck, I don't need to do it all right, I just need to get it done.' This family, these are my loves, it's my job and honor to take care of them. We all have to do something. As migraine inducing, coffee pouring, heart wrenching, gritty or amazing as it all can be; I know three things. 

There is no one else I'd rather work for. There is no one I would rather have taking care of these guys than me. I just gotta be here, for the task that presents itself, one at a time. One tear wiped away, one waking, one dish washed, one meal cooked. Just keep on keeping on because that's just what  I'm doing today. 

Whatever happens, whatever it is, I believe God will take care of me, of it, of us and all will be okay. Why? Because I am here, body and soul, getting real, breathing deep and getting it done. 

Wild Horses- a reflection on discipline and imperfection

Can your life be like a well laid out game, slip sliding through happiness and pain
All rules laid out, obstacles clear, you know when to jump, you know when to cheer
Can I regulate and stipulate, and give that kind of consistency?
As the free spirited, creative whimsical woman I can be?
Can she ride in balance with "mommy"?

You will never have to wonder if my love will be here
My presence is unwavering, adoration of you clear
Im endlessly fair
You always know I care

I try fixing all things beyond repair
even the sometimes mess of me
Has a hold on some of my share

But I am only as perfect a mother and wife
As a person who came first in life
Mommies are gems, like diamonds
Created under the pressure of raising children
A magical transformation where the best of us
Is formed
By our love for our born

Mommies are Rough and raw underneath
Original and authentic
I can only give you the me that is here
I cant be scripted or equipped at things that just arnt there

So here I am to say, I messed up in a way
And here I am to say, I'll try to do better the next day

Failure isn't lack of perfection
Its more akin to giving up and giving in

In my utopian desire for the unaltered beauty of an unbridled child in play
I may have kinda ruined some days
My little treasures,  you've walked into moments with hidden jumps popping up
Rather than feeling the wind of the free spirit
You absorbed the anxiety of the unexpected storm

And I felt your shuddered cries in trepidation at the unknown
My rules have been unclear some days
I didn't set up your fun and games to play
In a clear enough way
I feel bad for my lack here and Im trying to say
Ill do my best to guide you in the power of yield
We will hold hands and run wild as horses in the field
Throughout our days
With just a slight and gentle prompting of me showing you the way
I'll ride in the front and blaze our trails
Uphill this time to the pastures above
A trot to a meadow filled with love


In my mistake I've discovered a golden rule
Once again in teaching you, it's I who has learned
Fall in line, just slightly behind me baby girls as this new trail is burned

Dear Daughter, Please Cry

 

Dear daughter, please cry

If that is what your feeling, let those tears run til dry

 As they stream down, let me hug you through this time

Dear darling, I beg you not to strive for constant happiness

Do not think you are a failure when you realize that life is full of pain,

That pain will be your greatest treasure trove to derive golden gain

Dear darling, do not strive for pain, it will arrive on its own time

It will pass on its own time

Dear love of mine, I promise you that those times you are down will not cause you to drown

Promise me in return that when you feel that pull down, you will call me to come around

I will travel miles across towns, and spend hours on the phone, just to help you find your way home-to yourself

On your darkest, foggiest, stormiest of days, we will sit together in the grey, under an umbrella, soaking in the rain, until the sun shines again and your smile soothes your pain

Dear daughter, speaking of that beautiful bright smile of yours, it is your truth, your spirit, your joy when it lights you up, sparkling and fresh like the morning dew

But its nothing new, that we sometimes use our smile to cover our pain, promise me you will never do this with me and if you do Ill forgive you again and again

Dear darling, you see, there is no level too deep down that I haven't already seen with my own eyes, let my arms comfort you when it is your turn to be deep in sobbing cries

I am here for you. It is my gift to you and it is deep and true.

Wherever you go, whatever you do.

Any problem you ever face, you are never ever alone

There is no mistake you can make that will forbid you from my arms

There is no harm you could cause that would keep you from my words

We will cry, will will sigh or figure out how to do better next time

you are mine, my daughter, my kin

Never to be erased by any sin

I would rather you cry in my arms then cry all alone

I would rather pick you up from dark alleys you accidentally wander down,

then find out you are no longer around...

This may sound extreme, so let me be very clear what I mean

Do not mistake my words here as saying, "do as you please"

I am raising you to be kind, to follow rational order and to be morally sound

But I know there will be times when your world will still crumble down

Dear darling, I am raising you to help others, have manners and find your true voice

To give back to your community and to make the right choice

These are the things you will hear me go over in the tiny lessons of each and every day

But I know life is not a rosy playground where all bad things go away, even if you do your best and try your hardest, I would hate to hear these bad things that I pray will never happen, its true.

But here this deeper truth, that even though I pray to god each day to protect you,  the world is painted not only in the white light I envision, but shades of grey and red and blue

You will be angry, sad, disappointed and confused

But darling, no matter what I am here for YOU!

It is my biggest job as your mom and one I most value.

Dawn Moon

Her footsteps glide along a moonlit pasture

Acres of rolling green hills before and behind her

Vast open space

Perhaps an outline of a flower patch, full of grace, hiding in a secret place

Dawn on the brink of the sky, still onyx with diamonds shimmering above

Moonlight cascades down upon the gentle arch of wet grass tips brimming with love

Sprinkled with fresh dew, chilly and luxurious sending delightful shivers down her spine

She walks slowly like a ghost, only there in thought, a dream-state, a fantasy in her mind

Grey fog rises slowly, lifting evil away and delivering it peacefully back to nature within a rhythmic change of seasons piloting its flight

A turn of the earth, night to day, darkness fades to light

She surrenders in the breath of freshness that only dawn brings

Her soul dances and sings

There is magic in the air and sky

There is enchantment within the grass as she walks by

She inhales, filling her lungs with a mystical sigh

Her bare feet caress the earth, the spirit of sediment seeping in, slowly soothing and surrounding particles within the spaces of her body, squeezing out seething stress upward, toward the leaves

Her fine spun hair flows behind her in a delicate wave riding on the current of balmy breeze

Matching the billowing skirt round her legs, white and sheer and lace

Hand knit sweater wrapped around her shoulders in a loving embrace

Yellow. taking on the color of the moon touching her here and now

Visually stunning and bright

Yet distance in years of light

An allurement of wizardry

Caressing her in the care and loyalty that went into the stitchery

Hours tucked aside over the span of time, to create a tangible soft version of the love within its creation.

Creation, the epitome of love, art and meditation

Breathtaking, expansive wonder of the universe, melting emotion, intention, spirit and beauty into form.

Full moon illuminating a reflection of full round belly,

Baby snuggled in its nest, crescent shaped in serenity

Fresh and so new, pre-new

Not yet even here in the earth

In between in the womb where transformation of matter and spirit create life

Where the magic of the moon, the earth, the sun, the heavens and human love are stirred in the witches brew of passion and inspiration, a dash of dreams and recipe for warmth, tenderness, legacy and family born

Laying in the crescent form, tender and surrounded by light and comfort

Cleaner than a clean slate, life before life itself begins

The words before the story, the letters inside of the words, the thoughts that invent the language before one word is spoken.

Yet there, breathing, feeling, growing and thriving

Beating heart, living spirit.

The magic of the moment so immense it is neither graspable, definable nor undeniable, spirit meets form, miracle.

How to find your personal melody and harmonize with the moment-A meditation

Whats your personal soundtrack? Can you harmonize with others?

Melody meditation-Aligning ourselves to our world through mindfulness and musically derived imagery.

There was a moment when my daughter wouldn’t get ready for school and I started to really feel anger burning inside of me. That morning, I had woken up early and cooked a huge breakfast for both of my daughters. I pranced around the kitchen, proudly thinking, “ today, I’ve got this mom thing nailed.” I chuckled at myself and my unusual display of maternal confidence.

Ha! The joke was on me when the morning spiraled downwards shortly thereafter. My daughter ended up resisting every effort to prepare her for school. I had a miscommunication with my partner; my daughter ended up missing the bus, and almost cried.

Meanwhile, the “hippy-go-lucky” in me has been contemplating music and each of us having our own personal soundtrack. I’ve been thinking how each moment  has its own soundtrack, like when you watch a movie and the music totally sets the tone for the moment.

 Since I am a mindfulness practitioner, lover and seeker, I’ve been applying this concept of musicality to mindfulness. In a nutshell, I see the moment having a tune that applies to that very moment itself. I also see that we all carry around our own melody. I feel that if we can identify both the moment’s tune and our own song and try to harmonize them, it’s one more way to relish the moment and live mindfully.

For example, on this good-gone-bad morning there were three clashing songs. The rhythm of the morning itself was light and peaceful, something I adore when meditating or on an early morning run, but completely detach from when getting myself or children prepared for the day.

 My daughter’s rhythm is slow and beautiful. It is meandering and graceful. She is a dreamer and a delicate soul. Her energy exudes Enya or Bach. She is a beautiful spirit and a sweet being. Then there is, me. When on task I am very focused and driven. I used to listen to Shinedown when I had a lot of writing or paperwork to do. It is on the loud side, tinged with assertive notions and emotion; Strong and purposeful. I listen to Pink and Katy Perry or Beyonce when I am happy and excited. Up beat and also strong.

The problem I encountered this morning was matching my rhythm to my daughter’s. She floats around in beautiful dreamland like a butterfly, attracted to the light of each toy or thought, not having much awareness of her surroundings. It is a touching image to watch and in many ways I am filled with pride at her softness and fresh approach. It is when I need her to listen to directions, do something timely like get ready for school or finish her homework before dinner that our rhythms clash.

If I were able to turn down the volume on my own agenda and soften to her nature, I would have allowed her more breathing room in her routine and possibly not frazzled her to the point of not successfully getting to the bus stop on time. I also could have tuned into the peaceful slow pace of the morning and allowed her to get ready slowly, or awakened her earlier so that she could have some quiet time before jumping headfirst into the day.

 As she gets older, I also hope to teach her when there are times to turn down a bit of her own beautiful dreaminess, just long enough to stay on task or to be aware of the important things around her. I would love to be able to find a way to do all three at once, or one at a time overall. The goal is to be open and to harmonize. We all have our own melody and we are each beautiful in our own right. But it is in relation to others that conflict and harshness can arise. Unless, we learn to tune in to those around us, literally and figuratively, life can is easily become a clash of bands rather than the harmony of a symphony.

Try this meditation to find and tune to your own soundtrack, your own rhythm, in breath and in life.

Allow your eyes to close or your gaze to soften and drop to the floor or a comfortable spot where you can hold the focus without effort

Stretch your spine upwards toward the ceiling, the stars and the sun. Imagine a thin white light being opened on the top of your head and connecting you to a higher power above the space of your physical body.

Imagine that light caressing down your straight spine and reaching your mind, your heart center and your base Chakra at the bottom of your spine.

Breathe in Breathe out. Sit in silence for three minutes

As I breathe in I am fully aligned with this exact moment in time. I am aware of my body in this room. I am aware of this room in this building and my community around me. I recognize that we are all connected and we are all one.

I bring my awareness back to my self. Breathing in, I sense a bright light in my mind. I see a color around this light. Breathing out, I sense a bright light around my heart. I picture the same color around my emotional being. Breathing in, I imagine a bright light around my entire physical being. I become aware of the harmony that magically evolves as I match my self to the moment.

Breath in and out silently for three minutes

Breathing in, I think of the melody that could describe my inner self, my core of my being. Is it joyful? It is steady? Is it angry? It is loud or quiet? What does my inner being project to myself and others as I navigate my way through life each day? Breathing in, I identify my personal melody. Breathing out, melody

Breathe silently for three minutes

I recognize that in my most difficult or joyful moments, my own personal melody can drown out the melody of life unfolding around me. I recognize that in order to align with the moment, I must turn down the volume of “me” and tune in to what surrounds my spirit in that moment. Breathing in and breathing out, I focus on what it feels like to tune in to that which is around me. I see my own song and the song of the earth as one harmonious tune. I am able to lend my spirit in a positive way to whatever is around me, to be open and to give. I am equally able to lend my spirit to taking in my surroundings in  a positive way. I am wanting to experience feeling, listening and being open. Life energy can easily flow without the clashing of various sounds within the same sphere. This is peace. This is mindfulness.

Breathe silently on this image for 10 minutes

Beginning visualization repeats….

Stretch your spine upwards toward the ceiling, the stars and the sun. Imagine a thin white light being opened on the top of your head and connecting you to a higher power above the space of your physical body.

Imagine that light caressing down your straight spine and reaching your mind, your heart center and your base chakra at the bottom of your spine.

Breathe in Breathe out. Sit in silence for three minutes

As I breathe in I am fully aligned with this exact moment in time. I am aware of my body in this room. I am aware of this room in this building and my community around me. I recognize that we are all connected and we are all one.

I bring my awareness back to my self. Breathing in, I sense a bright light in my mind. I see a color around this light. Breathing out, I sense a bright light around my heart. I picture the same color around my emotional being. Breathing in, I imagine a bright light around my entire physical being. I become aware of the harmony that is inherent in matching my self to the moment.

When I am ready I allow my eyes to softly open and I return my awareness to this room as I bring with me the sensation of peace and mindfulness, I continue my journey.

My soul is a kite flying in the changing winds of time

The question is not where did the spiritual journey begin but why did it end? The answer doesn’t matter. Its as if I have been time traveling through a dark tunnel unknowingly in the dark. Only this morning when I was filled with and surrounded by light, did I become aware of the stark contrast that was previously dark and small. The expansiveness that is the spirit is upon and within me. My eyes once blurry are now filled with clarity.

Upon waking this morning, I burrowed deeper into the comfort of my bed. The warmth surrounding me, felt as if it were sheltering me from the outside. My first thought, I hate mornings. My inner thought, pushed aside, or is it just daylight, reality, and awakening that I hate? Those thoughts are too painful to really address, so I chose to ignore them. And the truth is, I LOVE so many things about my life so it it were a thought to be addressed does that negate all that is positive and amazing? The hole within me was aching for something, but what? This feeling is too familiar. This feeling is too often asking me to soothe it.

Although, there are countless things and moments in life that I overwhelmingly appreciate and adore, I am equally empty based on this loss of connection to the spirit. It is entirely impossible for me to live a fulfilled existence that is void of spiritual connection. I am nearly breathless without walking on the bare earth, running my fingers along tree leaves and inhaling outside air. I am nearly broken without sliding along the brushstroke of a paint brush as bright blue paint is delicately drawn by my hands across a canvas. Darkness escapes me when music pounds along with my pulse, joy fills me when a melody swings inside of my bones. As my eyes graze upon the joy behind the smile of a loved one my heart can expand with happiness and gratitude and wonder. When the touch of my child’s hand caresses my own, warm, alive and squishy; I feel alive, free and complete. These are only some of the spiritual moments that occur on a daily basis. How do I find them behind the veil of smog that is daily tasks, thoughts, planning, stress and fatigue? I find them with mindfulness. Mindfulness has become my religion. Imperative to a daily meal, allowing my self to settle on the moment to moment has become my savior.

This journey away from spirit and back to mindfulness has been long. I have studied interpersonal and intercultural communications as well as child development as college pursuits. I minored in art, its own religion in its own right. I have explored countless books on various philosophies, spirituality and human psyche.  I have attended temple and church and have whole heartedly engaged in celebration of religious holidays. The softest place I have landed until now has been one derived from Ancient Buddism but it now a modern spiritual journey. It is one that welcomes any one and can be studied in a very non secular way. It is called Mindfulness. Mindfulness has been my beacon of light back to the shore of my soul. But I am still in the waters, paddling and on this journey. There is a fog that has cleared and I see that this beacon of light is entirely larger than itself. As the grey airs become translucent,  my eyes travel up the path of the light seeing a humongous lighthouse, standing solidly and regally behind. The light itself has been the path I followed through the dark, but it was cast from something much larger. Something, I akin to God or the universe as a whole.

Before rolling out of bed, I was drawn to watch a series called Super Soul Sunday on Oprah’s OWN website. I have often wanted to watch one of these but hadn’t found the time. This morning I was feeling weak and unable to get out of bed right away. Partially because I was 4 months into a difficult pregnancy, party because I was on the tail end of an emotionally trying week. Partially because to be honest, in between all of the moments of mindfulness, gratitude and joy in years past I have experienced a multitude of extremely painful situations. None, I feel like exploring in depth at the moment, but including death, divorce, abuse, losing jobs, money, sense of purpose, and giving birth to and raising two children. But this is just the story. We all have a story. There is no one without a story and it doesn’t matter what the details are because what matters is the now and the journey itself.

Once on the Own website, I chose an hour-long  video clip of the best moments of spiritual guidance given by some of the worlds experts in spirituality. I listened to the words and felt the energy of Deepak Chopra, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckart Tolle and others. I started to tear up, at first thinking it was a side effect of my hormonal pregnant body. Then I became aware that this was not sadness, this was not physical. These tears were drawn deep from a spiritual and profound place within me.  Images of my past were highlighted suddenly into my consciousness. I didn’t recall anything sad, bad or painful. I remembered the moments I connected to the spirit. I also remember the moments I felt the need to disconnect. I saw my ten year-old body falling through the air after a tree branch broke. I knew I had climbed and sat on the lowest branch of the tree yet I landed perfectly balanced and without impact on a branch lower, unharmed. I knew it was an angel. I saw my seven year old self looking at an ornament on my neighbors tree that read “Jesus is the reason for the season” looking into her eyes and watching her surprise as I the Jewish girl next door with no formal religious education told her, “It is you know, it IS the reason!” She chuckled and said, “I know hunny”. She raised her eyebrow to her husband. They were a kind old Italian couple with grandkids my age who warmly welcomed me into their home on Sundays for meals and playing. I felt like I was in a room filled with light and that the gold sparkle of the ornament was brighter than the sun itself. I felt when I looked into her eyes I could see so much more than her. Everything seemed large and I half wondered what I was even saying or meant as this was nothing I knew of or was taught. Yet the conviction that filled me was astoundingly strong. And then just as quickly the moment passed. 

As I continued listening to the words of these spiritual leaders more memories came in and out. A flash of a bike crunching under a cars tires and a few feet away, me somehow tossed with little but a scrape to mind; Again, an angel. The shiny gold crosses my classmates wore in high school, how hurt I felt that this was not MY religion and not something I was supposed to believe in yet seeing that those crosses were surrounded by light and safety. Sadness, that I wasn’t allowed to connect to it. I had no formal religious upbringing. My parents did not want to force religion on me, which is a decision I respect. This level of open mindedness and exploration has now led me to a place of great spiritual connection without feeling the need to classify or label it. But within me, my soul has always craved nothing more than a connection to spirit. All I want or care for or am passionate about in this life is connection to spirit. There is nothing stronger that I want to connect to, share with others or teach. This is my life purpose. I know it more soundly and peacefully than any feeling I could even imagine I could experience.   Three days ago, Wednesday night,  I asked my brother who has passed and my angels and the universe to open my heart and my mind, to guide me because I was feeling confused and saddened by it.  The following day, I tuned in to a religious radio station randomly while driving my daughter to gymnastics and stopped as the tunes instantly drew me in., moments later realizing it was religious, but kept it there and kept listening. I stopped at a light and a song sang the words of a lighthouse. I looked up and saw a building with lighthouse and nothing else written on the side and was filled with a feeling like this was a sign, but I didn’t know what the sign meant.  On Friday while having dinner with my mom, she instinctively picked up on my feelings and chose to share a story with me that was centered around the spirit and the presence of it in our lives, and the decisions we make. Last night I fell asleep asking my dreams to guide me, asking the universe to tell me why I am here and what I direction to face. As I write these words hours later in a coffee shop, I am filled with a soft glow of peace. This truth was given to me this morning and it’s a gift I will cherish. The thoughts so intense, I knew I had to get it all down in words and nothing in this moment could feel better. I am filled with wonder and gratitude.