My soul is a kite flying in the changing winds of time

The question is not where did the spiritual journey begin but why did it end? The answer doesn’t matter. Its as if I have been time traveling through a dark tunnel unknowingly in the dark. Only this morning when I was filled with and surrounded by light, did I become aware of the stark contrast that was previously dark and small. The expansiveness that is the spirit is upon and within me. My eyes once blurry are now filled with clarity.

Upon waking this morning, I burrowed deeper into the comfort of my bed. The warmth surrounding me, felt as if it were sheltering me from the outside. My first thought, I hate mornings. My inner thought, pushed aside, or is it just daylight, reality, and awakening that I hate? Those thoughts are too painful to really address, so I chose to ignore them. And the truth is, I LOVE so many things about my life so it it were a thought to be addressed does that negate all that is positive and amazing? The hole within me was aching for something, but what? This feeling is too familiar. This feeling is too often asking me to soothe it.

Although, there are countless things and moments in life that I overwhelmingly appreciate and adore, I am equally empty based on this loss of connection to the spirit. It is entirely impossible for me to live a fulfilled existence that is void of spiritual connection. I am nearly breathless without walking on the bare earth, running my fingers along tree leaves and inhaling outside air. I am nearly broken without sliding along the brushstroke of a paint brush as bright blue paint is delicately drawn by my hands across a canvas. Darkness escapes me when music pounds along with my pulse, joy fills me when a melody swings inside of my bones. As my eyes graze upon the joy behind the smile of a loved one my heart can expand with happiness and gratitude and wonder. When the touch of my child’s hand caresses my own, warm, alive and squishy; I feel alive, free and complete. These are only some of the spiritual moments that occur on a daily basis. How do I find them behind the veil of smog that is daily tasks, thoughts, planning, stress and fatigue? I find them with mindfulness. Mindfulness has become my religion. Imperative to a daily meal, allowing my self to settle on the moment to moment has become my savior.

This journey away from spirit and back to mindfulness has been long. I have studied interpersonal and intercultural communications as well as child development as college pursuits. I minored in art, its own religion in its own right. I have explored countless books on various philosophies, spirituality and human psyche.  I have attended temple and church and have whole heartedly engaged in celebration of religious holidays. The softest place I have landed until now has been one derived from Ancient Buddism but it now a modern spiritual journey. It is one that welcomes any one and can be studied in a very non secular way. It is called Mindfulness. Mindfulness has been my beacon of light back to the shore of my soul. But I am still in the waters, paddling and on this journey. There is a fog that has cleared and I see that this beacon of light is entirely larger than itself. As the grey airs become translucent,  my eyes travel up the path of the light seeing a humongous lighthouse, standing solidly and regally behind. The light itself has been the path I followed through the dark, but it was cast from something much larger. Something, I akin to God or the universe as a whole.

Before rolling out of bed, I was drawn to watch a series called Super Soul Sunday on Oprah’s OWN website. I have often wanted to watch one of these but hadn’t found the time. This morning I was feeling weak and unable to get out of bed right away. Partially because I was 4 months into a difficult pregnancy, party because I was on the tail end of an emotionally trying week. Partially because to be honest, in between all of the moments of mindfulness, gratitude and joy in years past I have experienced a multitude of extremely painful situations. None, I feel like exploring in depth at the moment, but including death, divorce, abuse, losing jobs, money, sense of purpose, and giving birth to and raising two children. But this is just the story. We all have a story. There is no one without a story and it doesn’t matter what the details are because what matters is the now and the journey itself.

Once on the Own website, I chose an hour-long  video clip of the best moments of spiritual guidance given by some of the worlds experts in spirituality. I listened to the words and felt the energy of Deepak Chopra, Thich Nhat Hanh, Eckart Tolle and others. I started to tear up, at first thinking it was a side effect of my hormonal pregnant body. Then I became aware that this was not sadness, this was not physical. These tears were drawn deep from a spiritual and profound place within me.  Images of my past were highlighted suddenly into my consciousness. I didn’t recall anything sad, bad or painful. I remembered the moments I connected to the spirit. I also remember the moments I felt the need to disconnect. I saw my ten year-old body falling through the air after a tree branch broke. I knew I had climbed and sat on the lowest branch of the tree yet I landed perfectly balanced and without impact on a branch lower, unharmed. I knew it was an angel. I saw my seven year old self looking at an ornament on my neighbors tree that read “Jesus is the reason for the season” looking into her eyes and watching her surprise as I the Jewish girl next door with no formal religious education told her, “It is you know, it IS the reason!” She chuckled and said, “I know hunny”. She raised her eyebrow to her husband. They were a kind old Italian couple with grandkids my age who warmly welcomed me into their home on Sundays for meals and playing. I felt like I was in a room filled with light and that the gold sparkle of the ornament was brighter than the sun itself. I felt when I looked into her eyes I could see so much more than her. Everything seemed large and I half wondered what I was even saying or meant as this was nothing I knew of or was taught. Yet the conviction that filled me was astoundingly strong. And then just as quickly the moment passed. 

As I continued listening to the words of these spiritual leaders more memories came in and out. A flash of a bike crunching under a cars tires and a few feet away, me somehow tossed with little but a scrape to mind; Again, an angel. The shiny gold crosses my classmates wore in high school, how hurt I felt that this was not MY religion and not something I was supposed to believe in yet seeing that those crosses were surrounded by light and safety. Sadness, that I wasn’t allowed to connect to it. I had no formal religious upbringing. My parents did not want to force religion on me, which is a decision I respect. This level of open mindedness and exploration has now led me to a place of great spiritual connection without feeling the need to classify or label it. But within me, my soul has always craved nothing more than a connection to spirit. All I want or care for or am passionate about in this life is connection to spirit. There is nothing stronger that I want to connect to, share with others or teach. This is my life purpose. I know it more soundly and peacefully than any feeling I could even imagine I could experience.   Three days ago, Wednesday night,  I asked my brother who has passed and my angels and the universe to open my heart and my mind, to guide me because I was feeling confused and saddened by it.  The following day, I tuned in to a religious radio station randomly while driving my daughter to gymnastics and stopped as the tunes instantly drew me in., moments later realizing it was religious, but kept it there and kept listening. I stopped at a light and a song sang the words of a lighthouse. I looked up and saw a building with lighthouse and nothing else written on the side and was filled with a feeling like this was a sign, but I didn’t know what the sign meant.  On Friday while having dinner with my mom, she instinctively picked up on my feelings and chose to share a story with me that was centered around the spirit and the presence of it in our lives, and the decisions we make. Last night I fell asleep asking my dreams to guide me, asking the universe to tell me why I am here and what I direction to face. As I write these words hours later in a coffee shop, I am filled with a soft glow of peace. This truth was given to me this morning and it’s a gift I will cherish. The thoughts so intense, I knew I had to get it all down in words and nothing in this moment could feel better. I am filled with wonder and gratitude.