Attached

The light

Long spans of land, brown and barren

Set free by the rising sun

Cold cracked earth warmed

Horizon specked by slight illumination

To raise my eyes to see the rising

To cast sight away from the decrepit, the dull, the sodden

To see the light upon the ground

Where once rang sounds of wartime gunshots

Now reverberating in sounds of mindfulness bells

Quiet and still

Powerful as stormy ocean swells

All eyes fall down in silent prayer

The ground remembers and subtly reminds us the war was fought there

Silently she speaks through her energy

We hear, we listen

Upon the skies her sun will rise

It glistens, unchanging

Day after day

To this we pay

We offer gratitude for light and acknowledgement of dark

Those who live true, speak out, shut down

The soldiers fighting for freedom and honor

Shut down, knocked down, held silent by hatred

The open, they spread their wings

Clipped by the closed and narrow

The message, not to hide from the assailant but to only soar still

To glide higher

To resemble to hawk, the sparrow, the light

Take solace in your flight, your song, your illumination

and rejoice in your voice

It is you who needs to speak, to love, to let the light out from above

It is you who keeps the rising, catches the falling embers of hatred and douses them with holy water

Polishing the coal into diamonds that shine

Perpetual motion through time

The holy dying

The holy hit by stones of the loney

Lift them up, lift up the hurt and tortured ones who lie among the weeds where they grow

In the cold barren lands

Wash your hands

Clean your heart

You- merely yet greatly a part of the whole

Keep it beating with its meaning

Love, love, love, love love 

Stay true to the rising sun

Elevate with the light, take flight, take flight

A little love for breakfast

She turns her bright blues up to mine

Darker, brown rimmed in circles from no sleep

Shimmering at the contact with her sweet soul

And she hesitates

She closes her gates

Her spirit on the brink of lion and lamb

Akin to her I am

I sense her wanting for more

The morning lights angles through the open door

The invitation cut open

Waiting untouched in my hand

She is asking

Yet unsure

I want to give her more

I want to quell her burning flame

Bringing my arms into a tight embrace of her small frame

Why I ask would my daughter pause to hug her mamma

Is it the fear I hold that she will come undone?

Has trepidation won?

She, A challenge from the start

Capturing yet wringing my heart

Screams through the night, unexplained fright

Sensitivity to all

My downfall

Imagining a light between us and hearts open I send her all my love

Silently, soulfully, right there on the cold kitchen floor at dawn

I snuggle my face into her soft robe, feeling warm

Praying that love really will heal all.

Praying as the leaves fall

Outside my window in the rain

Please heal her pain

Please heal her pain

Round of applause for the night shift

My daughter felt sick yesterday. Her body emanated a vortex of heat when she climbed into my bed in the middle of the night. The feeling of dreaming when you are awake only comes from sleep deprivation. The notion to move my body a distant hot air balloon cruising through a blue sky. My arms lay still as a rock. Her fever was not high enough to cause panic but high enough to keep her home from school. 
I 

Early morning scramble to alert family I nanny for that I would be sadly unable to attend to their lovely daughter for the day; quick text to my mom to see if the off chance of her sitting for me was an option, it wasn't. The folgers in my cup tasty but not enough to wake me up. The haze of one child in my bed and one infants regular wakings the night before in my eyes. 

I still needed to prepare my oldest for her school day. I set my phone for a quick 5 minute meditation, when coffee doesn't work, the best way to start the day fresh. I was partially revived. Able to enjoy some quality time with my Sweet Enma before sending her off. The two little ones in deep sleep, making up for the time they were awake through the night. A mom wakes up each time someone in the family does. 

Each person has their small allotment of waking time, not enough to effect their day, mentality or mood. 
But not mom, mom stays up til the last one falls asleep, wakes again with each baby's cry. She rocks and nurses while others lay peacefully in slumber. She shooshes and slips quietly out the door of the nursery, cursing the creeping floorboards. She wakes again if the older child has an accident. Tears streak down her angelic embarrassed face falling upon her golden brown curls, mom sums up all posdible compassion as her dreams abruptly slam their door, bright hall lights attack her tired eyes. She changes sheets, wipes bottoms. Awake again at dawn to the early riser. 
My child has more energy at 6am them most have by noon, full of vigor, cranky from her nightly fast, her body turning quite monstrous at the first signs of low blood sugar, too much sugar, too much gluten, stimulation, not enough activity and more. A highly sensitive child who has a trace of diagnosed sensory processing disorder. You cannot just be awake for this child, you need to be alert, calm and focused.

Every mom is a nocturnal angel and a daytime saint when the sun rises. She is this lofty just because. Not because she is actually a model of heavenly perfection. But more because she is not at all perfect, can be angry, anxious, mistake filled and tired but she does it all anyway. When the storm rolls in she is the ship, the anchor and the sails. 

I think of this role I fill. I think of myself, the me who came before all this responsibility. I miss her free spirit so I'm taking it back. Just like that, because I 
need to and we all deserve it. I think, 'heck, I don't need to do it all right, I just need to get it done.' This family, these are my loves, it's my job and honor to take care of them. We all have to do something. As migraine inducing, coffee pouring, heart wrenching, gritty or amazing as it all can be; I know three things. 

There is no one else I'd rather work for. There is no one I would rather have taking care of these guys than me. I just gotta be here, for the task that presents itself, one at a time. One tear wiped away, one waking, one dish washed, one meal cooked. Just keep on keeping on because that's just what  I'm doing today. 

Whatever happens, whatever it is, I believe God will take care of me, of it, of us and all will be okay. Why? Because I am here, body and soul, getting real, breathing deep and getting it done. 

Wild Horses- a reflection on discipline and imperfection

Can your life be like a well laid out game, slip sliding through happiness and pain
All rules laid out, obstacles clear, you know when to jump, you know when to cheer
Can I regulate and stipulate, and give that kind of consistency?
As the free spirited, creative whimsical woman I can be?
Can she ride in balance with "mommy"?

You will never have to wonder if my love will be here
My presence is unwavering, adoration of you clear
Im endlessly fair
You always know I care

I try fixing all things beyond repair
even the sometimes mess of me
Has a hold on some of my share

But I am only as perfect a mother and wife
As a person who came first in life
Mommies are gems, like diamonds
Created under the pressure of raising children
A magical transformation where the best of us
Is formed
By our love for our born

Mommies are Rough and raw underneath
Original and authentic
I can only give you the me that is here
I cant be scripted or equipped at things that just arnt there

So here I am to say, I messed up in a way
And here I am to say, I'll try to do better the next day

Failure isn't lack of perfection
Its more akin to giving up and giving in

In my utopian desire for the unaltered beauty of an unbridled child in play
I may have kinda ruined some days
My little treasures,  you've walked into moments with hidden jumps popping up
Rather than feeling the wind of the free spirit
You absorbed the anxiety of the unexpected storm

And I felt your shuddered cries in trepidation at the unknown
My rules have been unclear some days
I didn't set up your fun and games to play
In a clear enough way
I feel bad for my lack here and Im trying to say
Ill do my best to guide you in the power of yield
We will hold hands and run wild as horses in the field
Throughout our days
With just a slight and gentle prompting of me showing you the way
I'll ride in the front and blaze our trails
Uphill this time to the pastures above
A trot to a meadow filled with love


In my mistake I've discovered a golden rule
Once again in teaching you, it's I who has learned
Fall in line, just slightly behind me baby girls as this new trail is burned

Dear Daughter, Please Cry

 

Dear daughter, please cry

If that is what your feeling, let those tears run til dry

 As they stream down, let me hug you through this time

Dear darling, I beg you not to strive for constant happiness

Do not think you are a failure when you realize that life is full of pain,

That pain will be your greatest treasure trove to derive golden gain

Dear darling, do not strive for pain, it will arrive on its own time

It will pass on its own time

Dear love of mine, I promise you that those times you are down will not cause you to drown

Promise me in return that when you feel that pull down, you will call me to come around

I will travel miles across towns, and spend hours on the phone, just to help you find your way home-to yourself

On your darkest, foggiest, stormiest of days, we will sit together in the grey, under an umbrella, soaking in the rain, until the sun shines again and your smile soothes your pain

Dear daughter, speaking of that beautiful bright smile of yours, it is your truth, your spirit, your joy when it lights you up, sparkling and fresh like the morning dew

But its nothing new, that we sometimes use our smile to cover our pain, promise me you will never do this with me and if you do Ill forgive you again and again

Dear darling, you see, there is no level too deep down that I haven't already seen with my own eyes, let my arms comfort you when it is your turn to be deep in sobbing cries

I am here for you. It is my gift to you and it is deep and true.

Wherever you go, whatever you do.

Any problem you ever face, you are never ever alone

There is no mistake you can make that will forbid you from my arms

There is no harm you could cause that would keep you from my words

We will cry, will will sigh or figure out how to do better next time

you are mine, my daughter, my kin

Never to be erased by any sin

I would rather you cry in my arms then cry all alone

I would rather pick you up from dark alleys you accidentally wander down,

then find out you are no longer around...

This may sound extreme, so let me be very clear what I mean

Do not mistake my words here as saying, "do as you please"

I am raising you to be kind, to follow rational order and to be morally sound

But I know there will be times when your world will still crumble down

Dear darling, I am raising you to help others, have manners and find your true voice

To give back to your community and to make the right choice

These are the things you will hear me go over in the tiny lessons of each and every day

But I know life is not a rosy playground where all bad things go away, even if you do your best and try your hardest, I would hate to hear these bad things that I pray will never happen, its true.

But here this deeper truth, that even though I pray to god each day to protect you,  the world is painted not only in the white light I envision, but shades of grey and red and blue

You will be angry, sad, disappointed and confused

But darling, no matter what I am here for YOU!

It is my biggest job as your mom and one I most value.